Another long day spent at home, trying to escape the warmth of my blankets. An amazing amount of things can be done these days from the seat of a lap - assignments, powerpoints, financial downfalls, social decline…In the end I had to pull out to try for the director of the Ritchie Centre in his office to ask about research next year/over summer. The lovely receptionist said he’d gone home for the day (at 3 in the afternoon? What a charming life!).
It had been raining hard when I woke up at the usual time (7:30-8am, for habit’s sake). Slowly, the sighing of water and wind eased.
Why am I so lazy all of a sudden? Sure I’m a lazy person in general, but not usually this undermotivated. I sift through my CV and drag my feet.
Jonny and I caught up on Saturday for some coffee, and he’d come with me to help me pick up something for the ball (a chore I hated doing). We went to Jones’ for coffee … where Josh had dragged me on the basis the shop had his last name once. I love that place. What’s really odd is that Jonny and I share a lot of weird ideas about … furniture, for example. We went to his favourite furniture store and it was all French-country style. I told him about my house in New Zealand and his eyes glazed over.
It turns out that Jonny’s uncle owns the chain of chocolate cafes / dessert shops that Brian had taken me to after my IOU for lunch had been paid off (the one I didn’t really like).
It got me thinking how weird it is that a lot of my good friends are guys. It’s just people I feel comfortable with, I guess. Maybe it says something about me (but remember, I did grow up with boys).
Med ball on Saturday was fun, despite everything. I saw a lot of friends, talked excitedly to a lot of people; saw Renny again. In hindsight, that’s what I am grateful for.
This evening, I got a message from someone who I should have been happy to hear from, but wasn’t.
I should have listened to my gut rolled over three times 4 weeks ago at the thought of meeting someone for dinner. I kept telling myself that it was just nervousness, forgetting that I’ve never been nervous about falling in love, only out of it.
The bad feeling continued. It had seemed ridiculous at the time — here was someone who seemed safe, nice, warm. Had chosen on his own accord to spend time working to nurture others. But also someone who makes plans but never calls to confirm; who doesn’t get back to you until later when it suits him best and who in hindsight, in general seems to care most about himself when alone.
And now I am wondering why I said yes to something I really should have said no to, getting up early on Wednesday morning to meet someone who I really don’t want to meet anymore.
Am I that lonely? Do I have nothing better to do with my time? The second one is definitely untrue - I am snowed in with work, and I’m not so sure anymore to the first one to my dismay.
I could be semi-truthful and call it being too well brought up to back out of an agreement I had made weeks ago to see him again (which is true. I don’t like renegging), or if I were totally honest…he’s the only person interested in me at this time when I feel most like settling down and nesty and it’s so, so easy to just get pulled along into someplace that will be horrible for me.
Friends keep telling me to make out that something came up and I am not able to make the appointment. I’m too well brought up for that; also, I know at some point I saw something in him. I feel like I should tell him face to face — but how? Tell him what?
That he’s inconsiderate and a little bit rude? That he’s stingy? That he suddenly seems like the kind of person who wants to be the one who is loved over the last few weeks as time dragged on? These are not things you tell a stranger whom you are meeting for the second time.
And why am I so bad at these things anyway? People do this kind of thing to each other all the time, but I’ve never been this good at disengaging with someone I’ve already made some kind of prolonged interaction with. Even with strangers on the street it took me a good half a year to a year to figure out how to say no properly.
Ok, so meet him.
Meet him, and what then? A few hundred awkward scenarios come into my head.
I need Wednesday to never get here.